Withholding
Ecology of the Heart | Huffington Post
Monday, November 21st, 2011How does Green Psychology relate to a green ecology and the ecology of the heart?
There was an article in Huffington Post this week written by Radhanath Swami relating spiritual awareness to ecology called “The Bhakti Way of Investing in the Ecology of the Heart”.
The Swami had been approached in a New Delhi airport by the Union Minister for Environment and Forests of India. She asked him what spiritual leaders like himself were doing about the ecology. “Every second the air is being saturated with cancerous smog,” she said. “Tons of raw sewage and toxic waste are dumped hourly into rivers where millions of people bathe and drink. The earth is being stripped of its forest and has become a dumping ground for deadly waste. The world is on the brink of ecological disaster while all of you spiritualists are praying, meditating or chanting. What is all your devotion doing to save the ecology?”
Radhanath answered “most people are not bad spirited, but due to a lack of awareness they may be destroying the environment, not understanding that what may seem convenient, like dumping industrial waste into a river, is actually killing fish, animals and people.” And he added that not just the lack of awareness but greed plays a big hand in the problem.
A crippled economy and a polluted environment… largely stem from the same core disease…
He continued with: “a crippled economy and a polluted environment… largely stem from the same core disease — pollution of hearts. Blinded by distractions one can forget how to invest in… a meaningful, fulfilling life.” His point was that spiritual leaders are getting people to become more aware, more conscious, more conscientious…and in the end less greedy.
With this story, I reminded myself of something someone once said to us about personal growth retreats. He concerned himself that attending a retreat was somewhat self-indulgent and narcissistic. He wondered how did this effect the greater good? And, to be more specific, we might ask, how might personal growth help the environment?
As Swami Radhanath shared: “reducing carbon emissions is important, but it is shortsighted if not coupled with reducing the toxic emissions from our heart; and that is something spiritual leaders are supposed to teach and something all thinking people, regardless of their beliefs, should practice “ Again, a reminder that:”The root cause of pollution in the world is pollution of the heart.”
We pollute our relationships with toxic bickering and compassionless judgment of each other. We react bitterly to our perceptions of being judged by others. We rob our relationships with our compulsive busy-ness, or withdraw and close ourselves off to those we love, often oblivious to the damage we are doing. Often times creating cancerous smog in our relating.
Learn about ecology of the heart…
In a Green Psychology retreat, we learn to tend to the ecology of the heart. We learn how to speak without blame, to listen without feeling blamed. We learn how to leave clean emotional footprints in our wake, how to speak to our lovers, partners, friends, even our x partners, without being hurtful. We learn how to take responsibility for the world we are creating through our perceptions, how to grow up and become more responsible so we can feel better about ourselves. In other words, we learn how to become less narcissistic and understand that the change we want to see in the world needs to begin with ourselves.
And so, at the end of a Green Psychology retreat, each person leaves with a fresh perspective, new tools for relating with others and a renewed consciousness of what is meaningful and fulfilling to them. They also leave with a heightened awareness of how to take better care of themselves and take more responsibility for the impact they have on the world. The environment will, in turn, benefit from this. After taking a Green Psychology leap in personal growth they awaken to a new and green ecology of the heart.
Becoming More of Who You Already Are | Psychology Today | Self Acceptance
Friday, July 29th, 2011What if we didn’t try so hard to be something other than who we are?
Ingrid Matthieu writes in Psychology Today that many of her clients believe that if they were “thin, pretty, enlightened, funny, smart, had a boyfriend/girlfriend, were richer, less anxious, less fearful, less of themselves, then they would be happy: forever.” Sounds like many people are trying to be less than who they are.
She continues saying that she is coming to the conclusion that her “highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself… I want to love all of my mistakes, all of my blemishes, and all of my fears.”
What she really longs for is integrity (integration and wholeness) and self acceptance. Such is the stuff that Green Psychology Retreats are made of. In these retreats, we encourage you to discover, become aware of, and accept whatever you find in yourself. Integrate, becoming more of who you already are, and then begin to act on what additions you want to make, where you would like to grow, and what more you want in your life.
Once you embrace more of yourself, you will begin to lighten up, find your sense of humor, your humanness, your love of yourself and others.
When in retreat with a community of people who are there for the same reason, all working to become more fully integrated, you will realize how normal you are, you will no longer need to stuff your stuff….but can celebrate your more-ness….celebrate your completely unique irreplaceable version of you.
No matter who you are, what your life is like, or who you wish you were, you can learn to appreciate who you already are in a new way. You will become freer to be yourself and thus freer to decide how you want to develop and grow from here. Come unfold yourself, learn to love all your mistakes, blemishes and fears. Start the process of becoming whole, celebrating your uniqueness and become happier: forever.
A conversation about passive aggressive communication
Tuesday, September 7th, 2010
Jake, I anger myself with some recent passive aggressive communication. This has to do with a project I am working on, actually volunteering, and it is a project on which I am not renewing myself at all. My question to you is how would you respond to someone’s passive aggressive behavior?
Why don’t you tell me a bit more about what’s going on, I don’t need a lot of details, but just explain the basic dynamic and what you mean by passive aggressive.
Two women, let’s call them Sally and Mary, have come to me on two different occasions asking me to do something about Joan and her behavior (which is strange considering that they both are her superiors in the organization). Sally and Mary cannot stand Joan (based on body language, comments, etc.). Joan knows this. She’s angry and very critical of them, but never says so. In fact, during meetings, she gushes over them and tells them how wonderful they are. But you can just feel that something else is going on, and that’s what I’m referring to as passive aggressive.
Passive aggressive communication and behavior manifests in many ways. It can show up as helplessness, negativity, withholding, passivity, or being non-compliant. It’s a form of hiding, where one thing is going on internally—maybe I anger myself, but instead of honestly expressing myself, I withhold or act helpless. So to outward appearances I seem passive, but internally, something else is going on—and it sounds like that’s what you’re sensing. If you tell a person who appears to be passive, that they are actually upset, or angry, or withholding—they can easily deny it.
That’s what happens with Joan. I tell her it’s obvious to me that she’s angry, but she says everything is fine.
So instead of telling Joan about Joan, why don’t you just talk about your own experience. This is what we do when we use Perceptual Language, we stop telling people about them. If you were to tell Joan, that at times you confuse yourself with her messages, then it would be up to her to be clearer. Right now she’s giving you, and other people, a double message. You hear one thing from her, but suspect something else is actually going on.
And why? What do people get out of this kind of behavior and communication?
It offers them deniability. They don’t have to take responsibility for how they feel. This is why I’m suggesting that you take responsibility for whatever is going on for you. Model this behavior for Joan. I encourage you to really allow yourself to feel your frustration, which is not based on what someone is doing to you, but rather on your way of making meaning of what they’re doing. Feel yourself. Don’t minimize your feelings. Then ask the question, “What do I want to do with all this energy?” “How do I want to conduct myself?” Is this a situation in which you can wisely use your energy? If so, what would you do differently? See if you can get clear about yourself before speaking with Joan. Otherwise this is likely to get all muddled up. If you represent yourself to her as a victim, you’ll be doing with her what she is doing with Sally and Mary. So, instead, see if you can show her—and yourself—a different way of being (don’t deny your feelings, just own them as something you are doing versus something that is being done to you.)
I am a bit uncertain with the “feel yourself” part of your message. My partner was sharing her thoughts with me on the subject of “really feel yourself.” I question whether or not I know how to do this. I shut down (my coping method) when any strong emotion appears. Actually, this leads to my next question for you. My question is this – How do I really feel myself (and know I’m feeling myself) when I’ve been shutting myself down for years?
Maybe this can be another conversation. But before we start a new topic, are you clear about how to deal with yourself and Joan?
I’ll think more about this, but yes, I think I know how to proceed. I think you are suggesting that I take responsibility for my own frustration. Just express myself.
Yes, express yourself, but the key is to maturely express yourself. One of the reasons why people withhold—and that’s what passive aggressive behavior is, a form of withholding—is because they fear they’ll be critically judged if they express what they’re really feeling. But the problem isn’t how they feel; the problem is how they express their feelings. If we learn to maturely express ourselves—and this is what Perceptual Language teaches us, how to have adult/adult conversations—we no longer need to worry about being critically judged.
I help myself with the distinction you just made between having feelings and how we express our feelings.
Okay, let me know how things go—I intrigue myself to find out if our conversation results in any change for you.
Jake, it’s been a few days since our last communication. I want to bring you up to date. Your last question to me was, what changed for me during the course of our conversation. What I know now is that I threatened myself with how I perceived Joan’s communications. For one thing, I was afraid of the underlying hostility that I sensed. Also, I worried that perhaps Joan viewed me as “being in cahoots” with Sally and Mary. I threatened myself because I had spent some time meeting with both Sally and Mary, without Joan being present, and we discussed their dissatisfaction with Joan – which they have yet to reveal to her. So I was scared, thinking Joan’s hostility might be directed at me.
It sounds to me as if you aren’t pleased with your own behavior…talking about someone behind their back, or listening to others be critical of someone who isn’t present. Since you weren’t happy with your own behavior I imagine it was easy for you to imagine that you might be the target for what you perceived as Joan’s anger. Is this fair?
Yes, that’s a fair summary. Since this conversation with you began, I have had two conversations with Joan in which I revealed how I experienced her communications, and I surprised myself with her willingness to listen and not judge me. I know that I had been over-reacting with fear. I see this as a great example in which I didn’t stop and notice myself; take a moment to become aware of myself and then “ask” myself, how do I want to conduct myself? I did learn more about myself by sharing with you (and Joan).
My final comment is that you say you over-reacted with fear. Well, where did the fear come from? Using Perceptual Language, we would say, “I scare myself.” When we speak in this way, we experience more ownership, more connection with ourselves, and with our feelings. Previously you asked about this, you asked, “How can I really feel myself?” Part of the answer has to do with the way in which you use language. You can use language to disconnect or to connect—with yourself and other people. In the near future, we can continue to explore how to more deeply connect with yourself and know how you feel.
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