Sex
Sex and the Long-Term Relationship: New York Times
Sunday, March 27th, 2011The basic drift of the article is that many men and woman, according to the findings of a recent study, are disappointed with the lack of sex in their relationships. And this was attributed to it’s “other tasks and obligations competing for a couple’s time.” They are too busy, too stressed, too tired…
From a Green Psychology point of view, this fits with so many other trends we are seeing—all of which can be summarized by saying that people feel overwhelmed. But stop for a moment and reread what I wrote, “all of which can be summarized by saying that people feel overwhelmed.” What happens if we change that sentence to read, “all of which can be summarized by saying that people overwhelm themselves”?
That’s an example of Perceptual Language, which is at the heart of Green Psychology. Yes, we feel overwhelmed, but who is doing this to us? Who overwhelms us? We do this to ourselves, but the way we speak about it, we act as if it’s part of the human condition. But it’s not. We overwhelm ourselves as a result of the choices we make.
I’m not saying that living in the world today, paying the mortgage, and raising kids isn’t demanding. I’m saying that when we act as if the world overwhelms us, we add to our sense of overwhelm. We aren’t recognizing our role in overwhelming ourselves. When we do recognize our role, we actually empower ourselves—we no longer feel helpless or like a victim of circumstances.
In many areas of our lives, we think and speak—unconsciously—as if we are stuck, or as if other people determine how we feel. When we change our language, when we start assuming responsibility for our feelings, our reactions, and our behaviors, we overwhelm ourselves less because we have more control.
Do you want more sex in your long-term relationship? Really, do you? If so, recreate your life so that you treat this as a priority.
Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness—as reported in Time Magazine
Saturday, January 29th, 2011“Last week (February 1, 1938) a study was completed by Stanford University’s famed Psychologist Lewis Madison Terman. Professor Terman and his staff examined middle-class couples (average income: $2,450) in California. He reports, ‘Satisfactory sexual mating is not the prime requirement for marital happiness.’”
Other highlights about what contributes to happy marriages include:
> Most important background factor in an individual’s chances for a happy marriage is the happiness of his parents.
> Relative mental ability counts: a bright husband is likely to be unhappy with a stupid wife; a wife is happy if her husband is superior, unhappy if he is inferior.
> A happy temperament makes for a successful marriage.
> One of the most serious causes of marital unhappiness, although husbands rarely complain of it, is a wife’s slovenly appearance.
> Fewer than one-third of women born since 1910 and only one-eighth of men were without sex experience at marriage, compared to nearly nine-tenths of the women and one-half the men born before 1890. If this trend continues at the same rate virginity at marriage will approach the vanishing point in about 20 years. Virginal couples have slightly higher chances for a happy marriage than others.
> Most important sex factors in marriage (but less important than personality and background factors) are the relative strength of a husband’s and wife’s sex drive and ability of a wife to experience sexual satisfaction.
Have things changed in 73 years? According to my own research it appears that if your parents didn’t have a happy marriage, it helps to find a married couple that will serve as a role model so you know what a happy marriage looks like.
I would say, “A bright husband is likely to be unhappy if he thinks of his partner as stupid.” But, how bright can he be to marry someone he thinks of as stupid?
I agree that a “happy temperament” significantly contributes to a successful marriage.
It appears Terman was right about the trend of vanishing virgins. And I will suggest, couples that are more honoring of their sexual bond with their partner, have greater chances for a happy marriage.
And, yes, chemistry matters. It has for 73 years—actually much longer—and it probably will for the foreseeable future.
How Eagles Mate
Friday, March 12th, 2010“Eagles are believed to mate for life, although biologists have observed that they stay mated only as long as they are a successful reproductive pair. Biologists think that the reproductive process between eagles is such a difficult process that many do not survive it more than one time. Mating, carried out in flight, involves several dramatic maneuvers. One of the pair turns upside down and grasps claws with the other bird. Both fold wings and the mating occurs in free-fall as the pair drops toward the earth.” From “Dynamic Provings” by Jeremy Sherr (Israeli Homeopath currently creating clinics in Africa for the treatment of AIDS)
The Homeopathic proving of eagle reveals that the sensation of speed is euphoric for eagles.
I conjure up two metaphors related to eagle mating and human relating:
Falling for someone who, on some level, we may know is not right for us, but the euphoria we feel, or even the primal need to mate, is experienced as a stronger motivating force than taking care to make a more rational choice. So, we speed through the process of getting to know each other, ignore all warning signs, grasp hands, fold our wings, and free fall toward . . .
OR
With eyes wide open, clear about what we are looking for, we carefully find someone who is an appropriate match, connect, make a full commitment, and whole-heartedly, sometimes euphorically, go the distance.
© Copyright 2012 by Green Psychology
