Sample chapter from Jake Eagle’s book
Chapter 8
A Case of Mistaken Identity: Who Are You?
I heard Tom asking, “Can we really change?” The question applied directly to us. He and I had been stuck in our pattern of relating with one another for so many years. I hoped we could find a new way to speak to one another. His health crisis had catapulted us into another reality. I was experiencing empathy and openness towards my brother in a way that was new for me. While I was glad for this change in our relationship, I was deeply disappointed in myself for requiring such a shocking wake-up call.
Jake: How are you doing? Can we talk about what’s going on for you?
Tom: Not right now. Maybe later. I’m actually curious to talk about the idea of “who we are,” it’s something I’m thinking a lot about.
Jake: Sure, let’s talk about it.
Tom: Go ahead, tell me who you are.
Jake: I experience myself as what I call my Identity. I see our Identity as our own creation, a narrative that we take with us wherever we go. Identity changes, evolving fluidly and dynamically if we allow it. The resilience of Identity shows us the brilliance of this extraordinary human creation. As long as I don’t get too attached to my story, my Identity continuously morphs, adapts, and integrates while serving as a temporary but necessary handhold.
No matter what we do, with few exceptions, the nature of Identity cannot be destroyed. If we deflate ourselves, we can re-inflate ourselves. If we wound ourselves, we can heal ourselves. If we make mistakes, we can learn. If we lose ourselves, we can find ourselves. If we are without meaning, we can create new meaning. Whatever happens to us, we grow until we die. When Nietzsche, the German philosopher said, “Anything that does not kill me will make me stronger,” I imagine he was talking about Identity.
Tom: This is another of your radical ideas.
Jake: This is my particular slant on something that several philosophers have explored. Buddhism suggests that there is a continuum of consciousness, but that there is no solid, permanent self anywhere in that continuum.
Tom: And you agree?
Jake: I don’t pretend to know much about the continuum of consciousness beyond this lifetime. But during our lives, we lack a solid or permanent Identity. I think this is why Buddhism advocates “no self,” and why I advocate an ever-changing, ever-evolving self, which is how I view Identity.
I believe that Identity is necessary because we need something to hold onto; the key is not to hold on too tightly. Imagine a jungle gym like we had on the school playground. It included a horizontal ladder and to get from one end to the other you would hold one cross bar with one hand and reach for the next cross bar with your other hand. To move along, you would alternate holding with one hand, letting go and reaching forward with the other hand.
This is kind of how I think about Identity, something to hold on to, but we keep letting go and moving forward. And instead of the ladder being horizontal, I think of it as rising up, representing an ever-higher level of consciousness.
Tom: But you don’t believe in the idea of “no self?”
Jake: My sense is that “no self” is another way of saying “no fixed self.” We need some way to define ourselves, to say, “This is me right now, these are my boundaries, my values, my needs. I will change and evolve, but this is me now.” My focus is on developing a healthy sense of self. One key to this is to loosen our attachments to our idea of self, and Green Psychology makes this easier to do.
Tom: How do you arrive at these ideas?
Jake: In part, from my own experiences. My Identity has evolved. I’ve gone through things that I was sure I could not survive, but I did. When I emerged on the other side, I was different. I’d become stronger, or softer, or sadder. I’d matured and became more realistic and wiser. I developed empathy and understanding.
In addition to my own life experiences, I’ve worked with hundreds of people who have demonstrated the resilience of their Identity. I’ve been with people who’ve suffered terrible tragedies. The nature of their Identity does not die or dissolve—it expands and evolves.
I worked with a woman who, in an alcoholic rage, murdered her two-year old daughter. This woman served her prison sentence and came to me for therapy after she got out. She was a tough lady, at least on the outside. She transformed the nature of her Identity as a result of her experiences. Eventually, she became a fearless counselor. She knew grief, she knew guilt, she knew horror. And she knew how to survive and heal.
Tom: I actually can’t imagine what that would be like. But I get your point that people are incredibly resilient. And maybe you’re right, maybe our Identity is indestructible, but that’s not how people act. I think most people are fundamentally insecure. I know some incredibly successful people, but in almost every case, there’s a basic insecurity. It manifests in weird ways—sometimes the most powerful people will fight over the littlest things or need to be right when it shouldn’t matter.
Jake: I completely agree with you. We are insecure but not because there is something wrong with us. Insecurity is just part of the way we’re wired. If people understood this, they wouldn’t get defensive about feeling insecure.
Tom: Are you saying it’s biological, not psychological?
Jake: There is a psychological dimension that relates to our self-esteem, but regardless of how we feel about ourselves there’s also a hardwired dimension that causes us to feel insecure. I’ve thought about this for a long time and I actually think I may have uncovered a flaw in our evolutionary process.
Tom: You crack me up.
Jake: Why, what’s so funny?
Tom: I don’t know; you take all of this so seriously. I thought you worked with people to help them get along better, but you’ve developed your own theories about evolution.
Jake: I’m trying to find the key to bring about radical transformation in people’s lives. If we really understand the…
Tom: I’m not being critical. I think it’s great. You’re passionate about this stuff. Go on. I want to hear about the flaw in evolution. I just had no idea you thought so much about this stuff, but it explains a lot about you. I’ve often wondered what was going on in your mind.
Jake: When I think about evolution, it includes both the evolution of our species as well as our individual evolution. I imagine our individual evolution is a microcosm of our evolution as a species.
For example, as a species we developed complex language and that dramatically altered our consciousness. The same thing happens for us individually; when we develop complex language, we dramatically alter our consciousness. So when I talk about evolution, I’m talking about both our species and us as individuals.
My personal idea about human evolution is that our neocortex—the modern brain—developed in response to our awareness of time. Before we had any awareness of time, we were only aware of the present moment. At that stage in our development, the main distinction we needed to make when we encountered someone or something was whether it was friend or foe. Our primitive brain is designed to handle that task.
But as we evolved, we became aware of other aspects of time: the past and the future. This gave us a survival advantage. Remembering the past helped us to learn how to avoid mistakes and take advantage of successes. Anticipating the future helped us to prepare.
But life became exponentially more complex as our awareness extended beyond the present moment. And I imagine that this change brought about one of the greatest leaps in our evolution—complex language. We needed complex language so that we could effectively communicate in a more complex world that included past, present, and future. You can sense this huge leap forward when an infant learns to use language.
Tom: Yeah, it’s a whole new world when that happens.
Jake: And this change—the development of our neocortex—is a double-edged sword; it provides enormous benefits, but there are side effects. One of which is that we experience insecurity and anxiety. Our anxiety arises because as we travel the corridors of time, living in our memories of the past and our fantasies of the future, we’re no longer fully present. If we’re not fully present, we often don’t read situations accurately. When we don’t read situations accurately, we’re living in some degree of distortion, which means that our responses are less likely to be appropriate. Not being fully in the present moment is one cause for feeling insecure and anxious.
Another cause of our insecurity and anxiety is that, as we become aware of time, we become aware of uncertainty. With our newly-developed language skills we fantasize all sorts of possibilities. We anticipate the best and worst of futures. We spend a lot of time rehearsing or worrying about what may go wrong. We realize that life is a roll of the dice—we’re not in total control.
In addition to not being fully present and becoming aware of uncertainty, with the development of our modern brains, we also become aware of our impermanence. We know we’re going to die. In most cultures, this is cause for more insecurity and anxiety. So, although our modern brains provide significant survival advantages, they also generate a great deal of existential angst.
This brings us to what I see as a flaw in evolution, which is…
Tom: Before you go on I want to know how to deal with existential angst. A few minutes ago you asked me how I’m doing. Well, this is what I’m dealing with. What’s happening for me now is pretty scary and is life threatening. It’s not just my Identity that’s threatened; it’s also my life. So how does one deal with this kind of angst?
Jake: I know for you this isn’t about some theory. So let’s talk about it in really practical terms. One key, maybe the most significant, in dealing with this angst is to live in the present because when we’re fully present we aren’t anxious. We can use our modern brains to help us be more present by asking the question, “What’s actually happening now? Right now.” When I become really present, I no longer worry about what may happen tomorrow; I’m just fully here with you now. And if I use Green Speak, I don’t label what’s happening now as “good” or “bad.” This helps me accept whatever is happening now.
Tom: I can do that and you’re right, it helps. But I can’t stay here because, as you just said, my modern brain wanders all over the place.
Jake: And to varying degrees it will do that. So the other part of reducing existential anxiety is to accept the uncertainty of life and mortality.
Tom: It’s too hard, too scary, too much to ask.
Jake: Do you want to hear what you just said in Green Speak?
Tom: Sure.
Jake: I make myself hard, I scare myself, and I ask too much of myself.
Tom: Probably all true.
Jake: Do you help yourself with the translation into Green Speak?
Tom: I connect more with how I feel, but I’m not sure I want to. That’s my point; I don’t want to accept death.
Jake: Just consider this idea. If we don’t deny death, if we accept that death is inevitable for all of us, and as a result we live a more conscious life, aren’t we more likely to feel better about the life we live? If I’m conscious of my mortality—aware that I only have so much time here, whether five months or fifty years—I don’t want to waste precious time; I feel compelled to do certain things.
Tom: Like what?
Jake: I want to connect with the people I love. I want to clear up any unfinished business so that I leave a healthy emotional footprint. I want to express myself to certain people. I want the people I love to witness me and I want to witness them.
Here’s the bottom line: if I live consciously, I attend to the things that are most meaningful to me. Living this way helps me accept my death. My focus is on living, not dying, but my awareness of death affects the way I live.
Tom: Yes, I agree with what you’re saying.
Jake: There’s one more piece in this existential puzzle: learning to accept uncertainty. This is much easier to do if we believe—as I do—that Identity is ever evolving. When I see myself in this way—constantly evolving—I’m less resistant to changes in my life because I realize that everything is temporary. I loosen my grip and stop holding so tightly onto my idea of myself.
For me, the most difficult thing to face is the death of people I love. But I help myself a great deal when I think that “I” will evolve in response to everything that happens in my life…even the death of my loved ones.
So I guess I’m saying a few things. Being present is the best way I know to reduce anxiety. Living my life fully and consciously is the best way I know to deal with anxiety about my own death. And believing “I” will evolve in response to everything that happens, even the worst things, is the best way I know to deal with my anxiety about any tragedy that I survive.
Tom: Realistically, I’m facing the loss of my life, not just my Identity. When I die my Identity dies right along with my body.
Jake: Maybe. But not in the hearts and minds of other people. Your Identity-in-them lives on. At this point, you still have a chance to play a role in shaping what Identity they hold of you. And when we die, who knows what happens to our actual Identity? Likely, it just keeps on changing as it merges with the rest of the universe.
Tom: Is that what you believe?
Jake: I don’t know. I hope that’s what happens.
Tom: Me too.
