Early in our labs I like to introduce participants to our key concept, which is this—language is the most powerful tool we have to focus our attention. As we learn to focus our attention with the use of Perceptual Language, we shape our reality in ways that produce powerful changes in our lives.

Why is Perceptual Language such a powerful tool?

My full answer to this question involves understanding the differences between our primitive brains and our modern brains, fear and anxiety, ego and Identify, attachment theory and differentiation theory. I worry that you may be starting to bore yourself, but honestly, I’ve found a way to tell this story that will not bore you. This is one of the things I do at this point in our labs. I tell the story of our primitive brains, which is where fear is born. I tell the story of our modern brains, which is the birthplace of anxiety. I share my belief that our Identities developed as a way to help us reduce anxiety—the key is that we not grasp our Identities too tightly, but just hold on lightly, and allow our Identities to provide a much needed sense of continuity in our lives.

Anyway . . . I assure you it’s all very interesting when delivered in person, but maybe not when you’re reading it off a flat piece of paper or a shiny computer screen, so I’ll just summarize a few highlights from today’s lecture.

1. The primitive brain relies on what I call “dualistic language” to make very basic distinctions about whatever we encounter. Essentially, this ancient part of our brains is simply trying to answer one question, “Am I safe or not safe?”

2. It is my contention that our modern brains developed as our awareness of time expanded, because our awareness of time required us to develop a new language. I call this new language of our modern brains a “pluralistic” language—a language that is capable of make plural meanings of whatever we encounter.

3. As our modern brains evolved, anxiety was born. Why? Because we became aware of our mortality, we realized life is full of uncertainties, and our modern brains allowed us to time travel—living in the past and the future—which meant we were no longer fully present. Not being present increases our anxiety levels.

4. To reduce anxiety—our modern brains offered a novel invention: Identity. As I said above, if we lightly hold onto our Identities, we reduce anxiety while continuing to grow and evolve.

5. We too often use dualistic language, framing things as being “right” or “wrong,” “good” or “bad,” and this stimulates our primitive brains, which results in a fight, flight, or freeze response. This is a primary cause of tension and conflict in our lives.

6. When we learn to use Perceptual Language we calm our primitive brains and engage our modern brains—opening up all sorts of new possibilities and choices.

7. As we intentionally use Perceptual Language, we actually alter the architecture of our brains, promoting integrative fibers. An integrated brain fosters greater empathy, understanding, and compassion. Why? Because the more integrated we are—the more connections we make—the more capable we are of understanding other people. As our brains become more integrated, we have more choices available to us, which results in us being more proactive and less reactive.

8. Green Psychology offers a way—an actual language practice—to create more integration in our lives. Green Psychology provides an “owner’s manual” that teaches us how to use our mind and relationships to construct a healthier, more integrated brain.

There is so much more I’d like to share—this morning’s lecture promoted fascinating conversations about how to resolve the lack of nurturance we received as children, how to accept our true nature, and how to stop being overly concerned with what other people think of us. But . . . the ocean is beckoning me and I want to take advantage of my time here on the Caribbean Coast.

I’ll write more tomorrow…

I have named myself Wide Open. With this name I remind myself to stay wide open to all that my senses have to offer . . . returning myself, repeatedly, to the present moment.

Jake’s lecture this morning on Duality is my favorite. His clearly seasoned understanding of human nature and why we behave in the ways we do is delivered each time in such a fresh and dynamic way, that I still deeply rivet myself to his presentation, though I know this topic well.

With the afternoon off many have gone snorkeling near the ancient ruins of Tulum. Others have gone to the beach or retired to their cabanas for rest.  I am so grateful for another profoundly beautiful day here at Maya Tulum and for how vibrantly alive I feel right now.

A “lab” name is the name a person chooses to go by while in the retreat. People can change their names as often as they want. This serves as a focusing device, helping people work on or attend to some part of themselves that they feel needs attention. I named myself “Undefended.” I chose that name because I’m convinced that it is possible to live an undefended life, a life in which I don’t hide behind my defenses. I developed most of my defenses many years ago, and although they served me well, I think most of them are outdated ways of being. So, for this lab I’m going to ask people to call me “Undefended,” as a way of reminding myself to let down my guard and be more open to whatever is going on in the moment.

Some other names people chose for themselves include—2nd Chance, Fully Here, Don’t Know Yet, Too Tired, Embracing My Boulders, and Learning to Relax…

The point I want to make in this blog post is the following—yes, we are teaching people in this retreat very sophisticated and powerful communication skills, but such skills will not solve all of our relationship problems. We must be willing to ask the challenging questions about our lives and about our relationships. Because if we are in the wrong relationship, or we have the wrong agreements with our partner, or we have the wrong boundaries—communication skills will not solve our problems.

Although this lab is a place to learn more effective ways to relate and a place to learn more effective communication skills, it is also a place to stop and ask the deeper questions about our lives. The metaphor I sometimes use is that our lives are like a chess board, and if the pieces are in the wrong position we may never be able to win the game no matter how hard we try. Sometimes, we need to reset the pieces on our chess board of life, start over and make sure we aren’t limiting ourselves based on outdated ideas, agreements and behaviors.

At this early stage in our labs we ask people to step back and reevaluate their lives. We ask, how do you nourish yourself? How do you deplete yourself? Given that you only have a limited amount of personal energy are you using your personal energy wisely? Are you creating emotional footprints that you feel good about? Are you nurturing the different aspects of who you are, or are you denying certain aspects of yourself?

These—and other—questions are a starting point. After we answer these questions and set up the chess board of our lives so that we “have some moves,” then it’s time to rely on the advanced communication skills of Perceptual Language so that we can more elegantly navigate our lives.

I excite myself being here in Maya Tulum with this group of twenty-two participants. Everyone seems engaged, open minded, and a few people are appropriately anxious, but present. They range from age twenty-eight to sixty-eight. About half men and half women—from five states and three different countries.

I’m sitting in my cabana during my afternoon break, watching and listening to the breaking waves in the ocean, thinking this is a great day at the office!

While this is basically good advice, and lots of people want to stop being judgmental, and Dr. Paul writes lucidly about the problems associated with judging ourselves, she doesn’t provide a helpful answer. She suggestions we should be compassionate with ourselves, but how do we do that? It’s not as simple as deciding, “OK…starting today at 5:03pm I’m going to be compassionate.”

This is just one example I find troubling in the mental health profession. People need more than good advice, they need to know how to alter their behaviors and attitudes.

A Practice That Teaches Us How To Stop Being Judgmental

Green Psychology offers a complete model that—when practiced—teaches us how to stop being judgmental. It begins by understanding and buying into certain Green Principles. It includes a daily practice, a way of using language that eliminates praise and blame, brings us into the present moment, and teaches us to communicate without making other people wrong.

Fascinatingly, when we stop making other people wrong, we tend to stop making ourselves wrong. As a result, we begin to develop more understanding and compassion. The practice of using Perceptual Language is one specific way to stop being so judgmental, stop caring so much when other people judge you, and start living a more compassionate life.

Goethe Quotes ——

I have come to the frightening conclusion

that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make a life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.

I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.

In all situations, it is my response that decides

whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated

and a person humanized or dehumanized.

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.

If we treat people as they ought to be,

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

—— Goethe quotes

We all have varying degrees of conviction about the possibility of an afterlife.  Belief in a life after death can be comforting to some. I don’t know if there is something after this life, but one thing I am pretty certain about is that there will never be THIS life ever again.  This particular life, that we each are living right now, is a unique one time ever event.  If we do not really take this to heart, do not value this astounding opportunity, we will miss being fully alive in our lives. And we will continue to live the life we have always lived.  Nothing will really change.

If we want something different, if we want to thrive instead of just survive, we are going to have to wake ourselves up, turn off our autopilot, and “do ourselves” differently. If you do want change in your life, stop all the busy-ness you are creating in order not to notice how you feel, and then make an assessment of what your life is. Is your life a life of your own choosing? Are you living your life based on your parents’ expectations? Are you living a life in reaction to your parents? Have you made some covert agreement to live your life to satisfy your partner’s needs?

If you are not living your own life, are you uncomfortable enough to let go of whatever you are holding onto that does not serve your health and happiness any more? Are you hiding in the safe ‘known’, which keeps you from experiencing, feeling, and getting the most out of your life? Sometimes the familiarity of unhappiness can be more comforting than the unfamiliarity of what we don’t know.  Are you too afraid of rocking the boat—or perhaps of saving the boat—to get couples counseling?

The one thing you can do to change your life is to remind yourself every day, that this is the only day I will ever experience THIS day…. January 16, 2012…or whatever the day is. And ask yourself, “Am I living the life I want to live?”   How alive do I feel today? Am I thriving or just surviving?

As the soothsayer says…”the end IS near.” Or at least we will get to the end much sooner than we can imagine.  And if we are sleepwalking through our lives, we will get to the end and feel our life was a blur.

If you cannot perceive or keep in daily touch with the profundity of the miracle of being alive, you might consider attending one of our retreats. During the retreat week we will help you get in touch with what you feel, what you value, and what you want your life to look like, and how to make changes in your life with integrity. And you will find in yourself what you have been too busy all your life to even notice.

If you want to change your life, it is time to take action. Begin to create a life you love by being conscious every day of what your life is. Consciously and creatively choose what your life is going to be. Some say action follows creativity, but more potently, I think creativity follows action.

Did anyone teach you how to love?

Did anyone teach your parents how to love?

Are you teaching your kids how to love?

If you want to teach your children how to love, teach them how to live their lives in such a way that they love themselves.

You’ve probably heard the expression,”you can’t love another until first you love yourself.” But that’s not what I’m suggesting, and it’s not true that you can’t love another until you first love yourself.

For most of us, part of learning how to love ourselves comes as a result of loving others and being loved in return. We need other people to reflect our beauty, our goodness, our generosity, our humor, our wonderfulness. We need to feel loved so that we can believe in ourselves. Developmentally, this typically occurs before we love ourselves.

But being loved by others is only part our story, that alone is not enough.

Seeking the love of others can be a slippery slope, one that may result in self-sacrifice to a degree that is not healthy—and not loving. The love of others cannot fill us. It offers us a foundation, but it is up to us to build upon this foundation. We must live our lives in such a way that it is easy to love ourselves. So how do we do this?

We must do three things:

1. We must hold an ideal—a realistic ideal—of what it means to be a good and loving person.

Pursuing this ideal guides our conduct and informs us as to how to treat other people. If we conduct ourselves well we will be proud of ourselves, which is one ingredient of love. If we treat other people with kindness and generosity we will feel kind and generous, which also are ingredients of love.

2. We must nourish ourselves, not deplete ourselves, in the pursuit of love.

We want to stretch ourselves to live up to our realistic ideals, but not push ourselves to the point of depleting ourselves. Because once we deplete ourselves we are no longer caring for ourselves, and then we become—consciously or unconsciously—resentful. Once we are resentful we are no longer loving ourselves, no longer being kind to ourselves. So, part of learning how to love is learning how to create appropriate boundaries.

3. To learn how to love, we must transform our limitations when we encounter them.

We are continuously growing and evolving. We will inevitably encounter parts of ourselves that are immature or reactive or undeveloped. When this happens, we must transform the ways we limit ourselves, either with compassion or by taking responsibility for ourselves. When we are dealing with parts of ourselves that are deeply wounded or undeveloped we can’t always ask those parts to grow up and be responsible. First, we must  provide compassion. Only after those parts feel understood can we take full responsibility for ourselves.

This is how to love. We walk toward our ideal of love, because if we do less, we disappoint ourselves. We must not overreach, or we will deplete ourselves and become resentful, leading to self-victimization, which is nothing more than an excuse not to fulfill our ideal. We must transform ourselves along the way, dealing respectfully with the limitations that we encounter. As soon as we do so, we are being loving.

The principles of Green Psychology make it easier to learn how to love because Green Psychology promotes personal growth, teaches us to nourish ourselves, not deplete ourselves, teaches us to create healthy emotional footprints so that we feel good about ourselves, and teaches us to nurture all aspects of ourselves.

What follows are three audio recordings of a conversation in which Jake Eagle is interviewed by Mike Bundrant, publisher of Healthy Times Newspaper, about self destructive behavior. The first recording explores the causes behind self destructive behavior. Listen and learn which causes may apply to you.

Overcoming Self Destructive Behavior: The Cause

The second recording reveals why superficial solutions tend not to work. And the conversation considers what solutions are necessary to make lasting change and eliminate self destructive behavior in your life.

Overcoming Self Destructive Behavior: The Solution

The third recording is a real time example that organically develops when Mike reveals his own self destructive behavior related to weight and diet. And this surprisingly leads to a conversation about marriage, obligation, and intimacy.

Overcoming Self Destructive Behavior: A Real Life Example

In this final segment you will hear Jake make a couple of references to Green Speak, aka: Perceptual Language, as he counsels Mike to change his language so that he empowers himself.

For example, at one point Mike says, “…that makes me anxious.” At another point he says, “…it makes me anxious.” Jake encourages Mike to change his language and say, “I anxious myself…” (or, “I make myself anxious…”). The purpose of this is to help Mike realize that he is the one who’s creating his anxiety. As Jake explains, intimacy doesn’t cause everyone to feel anxious, which means that Mike may have a choice in how he responds to intimacy. And the place to start is by changing his language in such a way that he empowers himself to have a choice.

The second example is one when Mike says, “…there’s more to it.” Jake suggests Mike use Perceptual Language, changing his language to, “…there’s more to me.” This is a way of helping people become more connected with themselves. Many times we use words like “it” as a way to distance ourselves and disconnect from what we’re feeling.

If Perceptual Language and Green Speak are unfamiliar to you, and you’re uncertain about why Jake makes certain suggestions, write a comment below and we’ll provide a more detailed explanation—or contact us directly.

That is, being constructive—making some sort of contribution—and feeling satisfied at the same time. One of the things about this state of being is that it feeds on itself. If I am content and constructive in this moment, I am likely to be content and constructive in my next moment. My cycle feeds forward, moment-to-moment.

But, surprisingly, enlightenment can lead to arrogance when I feel so pleased with myself that I stop equally valuing the roles of other people. I become impatient, even rude, which is totally unnecessary, but this is just what happened yesterday.

Enlightenment

I started my day by calling a neighbor who I have not seen or spoken to in a long time, but I know that his wife is in the final stages of dying. I called to express my concern for both of them and to offer assistance. I felt content having taken constructive action. I did not regret that I should have called him earlier and I did not make myself anxious about the future prospects of facing the death of my wife, Hannah. I stayed present.

Later in the day Hannah and I drove to town to do some Christmas shopping and buy a Christmas tree. I like to buy our tree just a couple of days before Christmas. Hannah thinks this is because I’m frugal. Maybe. But, because I felt in an enlightened state I did not feel defensive about being referred to as frugal.

We talked in the car about how fortunate we are. We’re thoroughly enjoying our lives, treating each other well, and both of us are more awake than any other time in our lives. Awake? What that means is we see every room of our house anew each time we enter, even though we’ve lived in our house for over four years. We feel the texture of our sheets when we get into bed each night and the texture of the floor when we get out of bed and stand up in the morning. We feel each other’s texture every time we hug. Our glances into each other’s eyes last a second longer than when we’re on autopilot.

Life is good—and here’s the thing—not for any particular reason. It’s not as if Oprah decided to endorse my book. It’s not as if my lower back pain has gone away. In fact, we’re both making an effort to get in our car butt first, this is something older people do to avoid the twist and turn motion that can cause pain. We’re getting older.

So everything isn’t ideal, but life is good because we appreciate what we have, we do work we love, we treat each other well, we feel as if we are making a positive contribution, and we focus on what we have, not what we don’t have.

Arrogance

So, where does the arrogance come in? I’m getting to that. We went shopping for our grandson, looking to buy him a bicycle. One store after another . . . the salespeople tell their story . . . until finally we end up back at the store we started at because they are the only ones with affordable bikes in a town where—apparently—many people spend $500 buying bikes for ten-year-olds. But, not me . . . remember I wait until a few days before Christmas to buy our Christmas tree.

By time the fourth salesperson of the day starts telling us why it costs more money to go from a twenty-four inch frame to a twenty-six inch frame, I say, “I don’t care why, we’ll take the twenty-four inch.”

He tries again, “But it’s helpful to know that…”

I interrupt him; “It’s not helpful to me, so we’ll just take this one.” I’m so content in my own life that I feel I have the right to speak dismissively to this man. Enlightenment leads to arrogance.

In the car ride home, after picking up our Christmas tree, it felt chilly to me—not because it was cold—but because Hannah shared her perception that I was rude to the man in the store. What could I say? I attempted to justify my behavior, but of course she was right. I didn’t tell her that. I stewed, looking for a better justification. We got home, I went to my office, picked up my phone and called the salesperson to apologize for being impatient and rude. He said, “Oh sir, it wasn’t a problem. I let water run off my back and down the river all day long.” To me, that confirmed that I’d been rude.

Hannah actually knew the salesperson from years earlier. He used to sell real estate, but now, at sixty-two he was working in a retail store selling bikes. She told me that his wife died four years earlier. He is now raising his kids without her. I know that because he told me about his boys and how much they would have liked a bike like the one we were buying for our grandson. He’s a human being being human, and I have no right to treat him as if what’s he’s doing is less valuable than what I’m doing.

One of the principles of Green Psychology is that we can renew ourselves, which means that we can make ourselves anew. So if we conduct ourselves in ways we don’t feel good about, we can immediately go back, take responsibility, and conduct ourselves in a new way. I feel good that I called the man at the store so I could apologize. And I feel good that Hannah brought my arrogance to my attention.

It’s a slippery slope from enlightenment to arrogance and I’ll be more mindful in the future.

Also, I’ll add to my definition: enlightenment is constructive contentment that’s a continuous work in progress.

This final stage involves making new agreements, but here’s the key, making these agreements should be relatively easy. If renegotiating your agreements is difficult, you are recreating a power struggle, which is a sign of enmeshment and you still have more work to do in the separating stage.

It is during this stage of reconnecting that you recognize, maybe for the first time ever, the other person for who they are. This stage is gentle. You both have experienced the stage of separation, and most likely don’t want to go back to that, so you proceed with care. There are people with whom it is not possible to reconnect—not without losing yourself—in which case you can only have a superficial and limited relationship. Accepting this is part of the process of individuating.

Your Emotional Life is a Territory Comprised of Concentric Circles

You may help yourself by thinking of your emotional life as a territory comprised of concentric circles. Who do you allow into your territory? How far in? How must the other person behave when they enter your emotional territory? What rights do they have while in your territory? What rights do you have to ask them to leave your territory? What consequence will there be if they don’t live according to the rules of your territory? What do you do if there is a dispute within your territory?

Typically, the outer circles of our territory are least well defined. If people aren’t outright abusive, and they use deodorant, we let them into our outer most circle and we don’t have much in the way of expectations. But as people move from our outer circle to our inner circle, there are more conditions. They earn more rights—the right to expect our attention, care and concern—and they have more responsibilities to live up to certain agreements. These agreements are often unspoken, and part of the process of individuation, especially during this final stage, is to make new overt agreements.

Who Has Access to Your Inner Circles?

What behaviors are acceptable? What expectations do we hold of one another? What are our rules for interacting? For example, my wife Hannah, and I agree that we will never be rude to one another. We expect to be treated as a priority, and when one of us can’t treat the other as a priority, we have an agreement that we’ll explain why. One of our rules of engagement is that when there is tension in our relationship we will turn toward one another, not away from one another.

During this stage of reconnecting, we may also need to make overt the old agreements we had, many of which were covert. The point in doing this is to say, “It’s a new day. I used to accept it when you behaved in a certain way, but I no longer am comfortable or okay with those behaviors.” This is part of the process of individuation.

And we need to be really clear about the consequences that will follow if the other person doesn’t honor the agreements they make. If agreements aren’t honored and we just go along, acting like it’s okay, we’re giving the other person a double message. On the one hand we’re saying, “here’s what I need,” but then with our actions we’re accepting something less than what we say we need. This causes confusion and often repressed anger.

Making agreements with consequences is not an attempt to control the other person. It’s a matter of being really clear about what works for you and what doesn’t work for you. Once the other person understands this they can decide for themselves whether to agree or not. This is a very important point. When my wife, Hannah, told me she couldn’t tolerate me flirting with other women, she wasn’t telling me about me, she was telling me about her. I had to make a decision about what was more important to me, flirting with other women or being with Hannah.

The Process of Individuation Frees Us to Choose for Ourselves

If I had not individuated—to a large degree—I would have perceived her comments as an attempt to control me. But because I had individuated, I heard her comment as a statement about her. I was free to make my own choice, which allowed me to accommodate her without being resentful.

The process of individuating from our parents is essential for us to emotionally grow ourselves up. But if we don’t complete that process with our parents we are often left needing to do this with our romantic partners. So, we’re likely to project onto our romantic partners the unfinished issues we have with our parents. For example, part of the process of individuating from our parents is recognizing that the unconditional love we expected, but didn’t get when we were young, is no longer a reasonable thing to expect as an adult. If we don’t realize this, we may project onto our romantic partners a desire to be unconditionally loved, which is not realistic. Adult/adult relating includes conditions and this is hard to accept until we individuate. But after we individuate, we can experience a deeper, more penetrating kind of love than we have ever known, because it is love based on free will.

To download the complete article: Individuating From Our Parents and Partners, select it from the list below: