What stops you from being fully your self?
This question was posted in March 2009. Responses we received are posted after the commentary below. If you’d like, you can still answer this question yourself.
Jake Eagle writes:
I enrich myself with your answers to the question, “What stops you from being your self?” When I read the answers what jumps out at me are the following concerns:
- The need/desire to please other people
- The idea that being one’s self is hard work
- The notion that we don’t have the time to be our self or connect with our self.
Aren’t we crazy? We’ve actually set ourselves up so that we make it hard to be us. Hard to be who we are. But we don’t have to do this to ourselves.
There’s an easier way.
To be one’s self is to be a unique individual. The word “individual” is defined as undivided or indivisible. So all I need to do is claim all of who I am. Yet, I resist claiming all of who I am—because I don’t like all of who I am. I judge parts of myself as not okay, bad, wrong, or unacceptable—to me or to other people.
Once I make that judgment, I cut off parts of myself—and this is how I stop myself from being who I am. As soon as I cut off parts of myself, hiding my true thoughts, feelings, and needs…I’ve stopped being myself. I no longer claim my individuality.
One answer…
…the only one I’ve found that works—is the NO PRAISE/NO BLAME concept that’s at the heart of Green Psychology. When I step out of duality—the labeling of good/bad, right/wrong, etc.—I enter a new way of being. This doesn’t mean I transform everything about myself that I’m not happy with. It means that I accept myself and stop hiding.
For example:
There are times when I hear music and just want to start dancing. But, I make myself self-conscious. Instead of judging myself as bad and then hiding, I just say, “I’d love to dance but right now I’m making myself self-conscious.” That’s me at this moment. There is nothing more I need to do or say. Maybe tomorrow I’ll conduct myself in a different way, but this is how I’m doing me now. I claim myself. This is the key for me to enter the world of NO PRAISE/NO BLAME. If I do enter this worldview fully enough…I may even let go of my inhibititionsthis fully enough…I may even rip off my inhibitions and start dancing.
I give my power away to other people and try to become who I think they want me to be.
I think it’s a lack of discipline that stops me from being myself because I think that becoming an individual—my true self—requires a lot of hard work. I consider that most people raised in our culture don’t value discipline. I know I am not as disciplined as I would like to be.
I was definitely doing this last night – not being fully myself. I went out for drinks with a new friend and some other people I hadn’t met before, and I was aware of being really cautious about what I said and how I acted. I could feel my inhibitions break down as I got further into my drink – I felt like I was slowly letting little bits be visible, and the more bits I let out without being ostracized, the more free I felt. I guess it just comes down to wanting to be liked. It must be that I think I have like-able parts and not-like-able parts, and I’m making a big assumption that I can sort those out – that I can predict what other people will find attractive. It feels like a lot of work, and it seems like a shame that I only seem to really be “myself” after a drink – a self that’s a little blurred, and not even really my sharpest or most attractive.
I do not take the time to figure out what’s most important to me. I’m too busy. If I don’t know what’s important, I can’t live MY life.
I am anxious about truly being alone in the world so I busy myself, distract myself and as a result I avoid myself.
I wonder how being “alone” relates to becoming an individual. I ask myself if being an individual means being alone. Or, if not recognizing my aloneness means not accepting my individuality. I am open to the possibility of being an individual while living in the world with others, as opposed to being alone in the world…but I experience uncertainty about this.
I think Mormon’s on to something with the question of being alone, and how it relates to being fully ourselves. Fear of being alone is such a childish fear – I think about toddlers and how they cry when they’re left alone. I feel like if I were really, fully, grown up I would not fear being alone and I could be myself in any situation. Last week, I know it was fear of being alone – alone in my opinion – not part of the group – that stopped me from fully being myself. Someone said she would “feel so deprived” if she were vegan (as I am), since she couldn’t have butter or cheese. What I really wanted to say was that, in another era, many people said the same thing about slave labor – that they would feel “so deprived” if they didn’t have slaves to do house chores. But that her feeling of deprivation didn’t justify the abuse. This metaphor is strong and true for me, but I said nothing. I stuffed my opinion back down my throat, and the only reason I can think of is just not wanting to be separate from everyone else – not wanting to be alone, as an individual.
I stop myself by thinking too much, planning too much, instead of allowing my intuition and energy to move me. I stop myself by not being aware of my feet, not connecting to the earth. I stop myself by not breathing deeply. I stop myself by freezing myself.
The most effective way I block my individuality is by not accepting and not loving me, and most of all, by not being honest with myself about not loving and accepting me. I am so sad to realize that I do not love me. I do not see my own goodness, health and beauty. I depend on other people to reflect my worth, value and loveableness and I don’t reflect my loveableness to myself. I continue searching for one who will reflect my basic goodness and I don’t find this part of me to reflect to myself. In romantic relationships I often find people to reflect my flaws (my immaturity, craziness, and ugly/fatness – I also tend to victimize myself in romantic relationships).
I’m curious if the person who posted the previous answer thinks of love as a verb, an action, or a state of being?
I realize that I do not do things to love myself, I do not take loving actions and if I did take loving actions they might cause a loving state of being.
You say we should be all of who we are. Are you saying it’s okay to act out?